“Rejection”

July 5,  14th Sunday in Ordinary time

Gospel
Mk 6:1-6

Jesus departed from there and came to his native place, accompanied by his disciples.
When the sabbath came he began to teach in the synagogue,
and many who heard him were astonished.
They said, “Where did this man get all this?
What kind of wisdom has been given him?
What mighty deeds are wrought by his hands!
Is he not the carpenter, the son of Mary,
and the brother of James and Joses and Judas and Simon?
And are not his sisters here with us?”
And they took offense at him.
Jesus said to them,
“A prophet is not without honor except in his native place
and among his own kin and in his own house.”
So he was not able to perform any mighty deed there,
apart from curing a few sick people by laying his hands on them.
He was amazed at their lack of faith.

Jesus’ experience of rejection by his countrymen would foreshadow the events that would take place in Jerusalem at the end of his ministry.  Jesus would experience betrayal by one apostle after another.  He would be mocked by his own people.  There are times I feel the same way.  It seems like is constant rejection and criticism.  Some local pastors have a hard time understanding the way I do ministry–they have their large salaries and benefits, and here I stand with the opposite set of values; I do not play by the rules of the system at times, and so I am criticized and condemned.  I am tired right now. I feel like rich and poor alike have come knocking, all wanting something, and I am simply warned down. I am resting the next couple of days recharging my batteries, am beginning to get my strength back, and so will enter the fight once again ready to go.  It is through the Holy Eucharist that we participate in the saving death and glorious resurrection of Jesus.  It is through the grace of the Eucharist that I get the grace to keep my head up and keep on going.

I spent day reading, and went and saw Food, Inc. I thought alot as I saw them bring the workers in how dehumanizing they must feel–killing animals, being paid subsistence wages, day in and day out. I thought of how dehumanizing our industrial complex is–it is all about money for the few, treating people like they are nothing.   We all play into that, we all participate in the dehumanizing of people.  I am becoming more and more conscious of that in the food I eat.  We live in a world that is really cruel, and we walk past the cruelty without seeing it.  I am going to try to keep my eyes more open and try to be more attune to my actions in all things. Deo Gratis! Thanks  be to God!

“Always Wrestling with God”

July 4  Gen. 27:1-5, 15-29;  Mt. 9:14-17

Gn 27:1-5, 15-29

When Isaac was so old that his eyesight had failed him,
he called his older son Esau and said to him, “Son!”
“Yes father!” he replied.
Isaac then said, “As you can see, I am so old
that I may now die at any time.
Take your gear, therefore–your quiver and bow–
and go out into the country to hunt some game for me.
With your catch prepare an appetizing dish for me, such as I like,
and bring it to me to eat,
so that I may give you my special blessing before I die.”

Rebekah had been listening
while Isaac was speaking to his son Esau.
So, when Esau went out into the country
to hunt some game for his father,
Rebekah [then] took the best clothes of her older son Esau
that she had in the house,
and gave them to her younger son Jacob to wear;
and with the skins of the kids she covered up his hands
and the hairless parts of his neck.
Then she handed her son Jacob the appetizing dish
and the bread she had prepared.

Bringing them to his father, Jacob said, “Father!”
“Yes?” replied Isaac.  “Which of my sons are you?”
Jacob answered his father:  “I am Esau, your first-born.
I did as you told me.
Please sit up and eat some of my game,
so that you may give me your special blessing.”
But Isaac asked, “How did you succeed so quickly, son?”
He answered,
“The LORD, your God, let things turn out well with me.”
Isaac then said to Jacob,
“Come closer, son, that I may feel you,
to learn whether you really are my son Esau or not.” So Jacob moved up closer to his father. When Isaac felt him, he said,
“Although the voice is Jacob’s, the hands are Esau’s.”
(He failed to identify him because his hands were hairy,
like those of his brother Esau;
so in the end he gave him his blessing.)
Again he asked Jacob, “Are you really my son Esau?”
“Certainly,” Jacob replied.
Then Isaac said, “Serve me your game, son, that I may eat of it
and then give you my blessing.”
Jacob served it to him, and Isaac ate;
he brought him wine, and he drank.
Finally his father Isaac said to Jacob,
“Come closer, son, and kiss me.”
As Jacob went up and kissed him,
Isaac smelled the fragrance of his clothes.
With that, he blessed him saying,

“Ah, the fragrance of my son
is like the fragrance of a field
that the LORD has blessed!

“May God give to you
of the dew of the heavens
And of the fertility of the earth
abundance of grain and wine.

“Let peoples serve you,
and nations pay you homage;
Be master of your brothers,
and may your mother’s sons bow down to you.
Cursed be those who curse you,
and blessed be those who bless you.”

————————————————————————————-

We all operate on two levels of consciousness: the first consciousness, or the Esau personality propels our physical life and focuses on the self. Its actions and desires are motivated by the quest for self-preservation and self-gratification.  The second consciousness, or the Jacob personality, is drawn to its divine source, striving to become one with all the pervading truth of God.  When we have two distinct personalities, living within the same body, it is hard to expect our inner workings to be an inviolable whole.  Through prayer, reflection, and meditation, an intense, divine energy can overcome our animal personality.  The animal personality desperately needs the continuous guidance and discipline of its divine counterpart for cultivation and refinement.  But, in this process, the animal personality grants the spiritual personality a boundless creativty and passion that it could never attain on its own.  It is only through union that our twin personalities can reach their ultimate potential; and it is in our collaboration with God that we fulfill the objective for which we are created.  I struggle all the time with my two personalities–one for survival, and self-preservation and the one drawn to its divine source, both are necessary, but only when they are in union together can God truly work.

I took the day off. I went and saw “Public Enemies” and a movie about two sisters, about a terminally ill girl. Both movies were disturbing in that they stirred up for me so many emotions–one reminded me how brutal humans really are, how we live out of our animal natures, and the price we pay; the other the fragility of life, the sense of hopelessness, unless you live in a spiritual context, but even then there is a sense of futility at times. I am really exhausted, and am putting down boundaries with people. People seem to push in on me and have no concept of my boundaries and think only of themselves, and so I am going to be more forthright, and clear.  Went to bed at midnight. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!

“Doubting”

July 3, Feast of Thomas the Apostle

Jn. 20:24-29

Like Thomas I doubt, I doubt and doubt, I wonder if it is all worth it.  There are so many views of religion, of Christianity, and of nothing.  I have spent my life serving Jesus, he has been my single focused.  So in the midst of doubt I continue to believe, and I do catch a glimpse of him occasionally, but I doubt. It is in doubting though that I believe my strength comes and my ability to be accepting of others.

Met with group from Pride Youth Group, planning an action next week; had lunch with Erin, whom I have known for ten years to talk about her med application.  Outreach on Polk.  bed at 2. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!

“Trust and Obey”

July 2, Gen. 22:1-19; Mt. 9:1-8

Abraham trusted God, and Jesus trusted God, and trust for Jesus led to his going to the cross.  Today has been a rough day. I have cooked a meal, I had a young friend come in and is staying the night.  But I am simply exhausted. The elderly lady that I have been having trouble with tells my friend i did not listen to her and so on, and my friend wants to pass on the information. It bothered me because I do listen, I am good at listening, but in this case I think I understand now that what she meant is I listened to her about her beliefs and I did not buy them.  To me that is not a necessity for relationship to believe like I do, but in her case it is acceptance or no acceptance.  I also realize that I have become quite fond of her over the months and the total rejection is painful.  I had let my guard down. I think often about getting old and now about getting really sick, and I wonder what I would do.  Again it comes back to trusting, having faith. Ultimately that is what my journey in life has been about is having faith, and keeping the faith.  A quote that speaks to me now is from Paul of the Cross:

“When you feel the assaults of passion and anger, it is time to be silent as Jesus was in the midst of His sufferings.” –

It is best to keep silent for ultimately in that silence there is redemption, and so I am keeping silent, but it hurts like hell.   Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!

“The Wilderness”

July 1, Bl. Juni0pero Serra Gen. 21:5, 8-20; Mt. 8:28-34

Todays Genesis story describes a lonely wilderness place, where Hagar and her sonwere in the wilderness, one experiences both the presence and absence of God. When we find ourselves in the wilderness, we quickly learn that we are not alone.  No matter what makes our live a wilderness, it can be lonely.  But in the wilderness , God does hear.  When everything about us looked like wilderness and thrat of death God opens our eyes and we see new life. In my own life in the times of abs0lute alienation God is present. There is an elderly woman who has turned on me because I am not Roman, she frankly was very abusive with me.   I feel lousy, but I can not change her, and I can not change who I am. To me what she believes does not determine my feelings–it is about mutal respect.  But for her it is the black and white.  All of our stories do not have happy endings. Some end in deathly wilderness, without a sign of life-gving water of new life.  We can recognize also recognize all the ways we alienate ourselves and retreat into places of isolation.  But in our despair we must not shut God out of our lives or close our hearts to love. And so I move on, even in the pain of feeling failure and isolation. For me the following quote sums up what I believe–my faith is not black and white but:

“The Word did not become a philosophy, a theory, or a concept to be
discussed, debated, or pondered. But the Word became a person to be
followed, enjoyed, and loved!”
- Anonymous

I had lunch with Jeff, went to food bank and got food for a young man, it felt great providing him and his girlfriend with enough food to last for a month and get him through his period here; went to Pacifica and saw Brandon and Dustin; dinner with friends, and outreach and bed. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!

“Living For Others”

Gen/ 19:15-29; Mt. 8:23-27

Not withstanding all of her opportunities, not withstanding all her special warnings from heaven, Lot’s wife lived and died godless, imnpenitent, and unbelieving.  She kept up a form of religion for fashion’s sake and not from feeling. She did as the other’s did around her in Lot’s house; she conformed to her husband’s religion; she allowed herself to be towed along in his wake. But all this time, her heart was wrong in the sight of God–in other words she had no sense of God’s presence or of care for others. The world was in her heart, and her heart was in the world.  In this state she lived, and in this state she died. I have noticed some of the TV shows–”New York Prep”, “Housewives of New Jersey” reflect the same mentality. It is all about them, simply them and them alone.  This is the self centeredness that we see through out our society, the self-centeredness that leads to destruction. I saw it tonight in the one young man, who had beaten up two others because they had cheated him, and whose life was centered around making money–himself–and only him alone.  The God of Jesus Christ brings us out of ourselves, allows us to see others around us, to have concern and care. I have found in my own life that when I think about others, serve them, my life is far better. Spirituality is about seeing ourselves as a part of the community, of not be alone, of sharing, giving, being concerned for one another.

I cooked, served meal, and went to bed early, simply exhausted. It was great serving the meal alone. I could dwell upon the people around me, and focus on them. One young man was struggling with a number of things and I spent an hour with him,  it was a great meal. Great time. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!

“Staying the Course”

Acts 12:1-10; 2 Tim. 4:6-8, 17-18; Mt. 16:13-19, Solemity of Sts. Peter and Paul  June 29

“Ultimate confidence in the goodness of life cannot rest upon
confidence in the goodness of human beings. If that is where it
rests, it is an optimism which will suffer ultimate
disillusionment. Romanticism will be transmuted into cynicism, as
it has always been in the world’s history. The faith of a Christian
is something quite different from this optimism. It is trust in
God, in a good God who created a good world, though the world is
not now good; in a good God, powerful and good enough finally to
destroy the evil that we do and redeem us of our sins. This kind of
faith is not optimism. It does not, in fact, arise until optimism
breaks down and we cease to trust in ourselves that we are
righteous.“
… Reinhold Niebuhr, “Beyond Tragedy”

People often talk about how well we human beings are doing, how we have progressed, how we  can trust in the goodness of human beings. That is bullshit. To trust in human beings and their goodness leads to cynicism.  It is God within the human being that brings goodness and righteousness.  Peter and Paul both on their own were egomaniacs, they were self-righteous, but with Christ, they changed the world.  Our environment is being destroyed, people are suffering in poverty, because human beings are greedy, selfish, and could care less about anyone about themselves, but with God they open their eyes to people, they see life not as an end in itself, but as simply a part of the journey, and they reach out and care about those around them and the environment.  The God I serve is One of love, of acceptance, and she opens her arms to the world. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!

“Strive for Equality”

June 28

Wisdom 1:13-15; 2:23-24; Mk. 5:21-43

2 Corinthians 8:7, 9, 13-15

. . .Strive for equality; at present give from your abundance what they are short of, and in some way they also will give from their abundance what they lack. .”

Today is Pride Sunday.  But equality for queers is not whole. Here in California we are free, accept for being able to marry, here in San Francisco there is so much freedom. But in other parts of the state, and in most of the country queers are oppressed.  Today we stand for equality for all.  The Scripturen calls us to stand for equality–for all people, in all areas of life. People look at me like I am crazy when I talk of living simply because I believe that what I do not use can be shared. If all of us would live simply then the world would not be without. The Gospel calls us to share. What we see is so much poverty, because people want so much.  All we have to do is share.  To share is to give life, and in so doing to find live.

Today I was walking through the Pride area, wearing clericals because i had had a service, and someone, yelled out “pediphile”,  “all priests are pediphiles”.  It is painful to hear that anger, it hurts like hell. People have been so abused by religion that they have lost any sense of God, and the presence.  My witness is to be that presence. I was asked by my intern why I donot react in an aggressive manner, and my answer is I follow the non-violent Jesus, who understood that it would do not good–what does good is to bear witness even in the pain. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!

Spent day working at Pride. Had dinner with Stephen and to bed early, hellar exhausted. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!

“Bearing One Another’s Burdens”

June 27  Gen. 18:1-15; Mt. 8:5-17

. . .He bore our infirmities and took on himself our diseases.” Mt. 17

Jesus walks with us, he carries our burdens, he bears our problems, and our diseases with us.  So often in our society we see helping people without really getting involved, without being emotionally involved, but Jesus suffers with us. He is involved in our lives, he feels with us. That is  what we are called to do–to walk with people, to bear their burdens, to suffer with them. I feel for everyone on Polk and in the Haight. People talked of a “beauty”, and when they do I want to throw up. The suffering people endure is beyond the beauty, the pain they feel is far beyond the beauty. When you go home at night to a nice place, have a nice dinner, yea you can see the beauty, but when you walk with people day in and day out, in the grittiness, and the pain, then that is a different story–we are called to bear the burden’s of another–we are called to walk with them.

Long ass day at Pride.  Came home and went to bed. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!

“The Lepers”

June 26; Mt. 8:1-14

Today we have an0ther account of Jesus cleansing the leper.  There is a part of each of us that is like the leper in need of healing. God shows us compassion and heals us when we but become aware. We have a whole new set of lepers today, people whom people ostracize, whom we exclude and reject, declare unclean and push aside.  In our culture we ostracize people on death row, people with AIDS, people with disabilities, people who are Muslim, or people who are just different.  We often think they’re the cause of our problems: lets push them aside or imprison them or ignore their sufferings; or kill them and thet rid of them.  Then we will be ok; we will be safe; we will be secure.  But Like Jesus, we must side with the lepers of our time, cultivate a heart of compassion, stretch out our hands and welcome them into our community. We have to reconcile with everyone everywhere.  Only, then like Jesus, will we become people of infinite compassion.

Today has been a long ass day. Mike came at noon and we ate and did Bible Study, jim and Emma came for their antropology survey. We went to the Haight for five hours and then three on polk.   I went to bed at 1:00 a.m. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!