Below is my reflections since Wednesday. I have been on retreat.
May 27 Acts 20:28-38; Jn. 17:17-19
I picked up donations on the Pennisular and drove to Santa Cruz. I took a ten mile walk along the coast and went back to the motel and fell a sleep at 7.
The Scriptures calls us to the difficulty of witnessing reminding us that true riches and meaning come from Jesus. Not in our rules and regulations but in Jesus. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
May 28 Acts 22:30; 23:6-11; Jn. 17:20-26 Curisille
T0ok another long walk. Met rose and peter for lunch. drove back to the City for retreat.
i am overwhelmed witha sensnes of sadness, depression. as we pass through pacifica i see signs for selling open land for “ocean side houses” and i feel a sense of loss. we destroy our earth, we destroy our beauty for money, and it will only last for a while. we are destroying ourselves each time we do that. Paul said: “courage! as you have borne witness to me here in Jerusalem, so must you do in Rome. my “rome” is to bear witness the the destruction we bring, to the homophobia in our society, to try to be a new “wine skin.” it is hard for me, i so want to be long and accepted. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God”
Friday, May 29
Acts. 25:13-21; Jn. 21:15-19
I am on retreat, but for me it is not a retreat. it is horrible. we are up at 7 in the morning, have classes all day, i get very few quiet moments. the people are great, but the process is not one that i am used to or see as retreat. i am getting a sore throat to boot. i am struggling alot with my own doubts, about God, about simply being human. Jesus calls us to “follow me” and I do, I follow him in much pain and doubt and frustration, but I have set my face towards Jersulem. And so in the midst of doubts, fears and frustrations I march on. Jesus tells Peter to “feed my lambs” and that is what I try to do. to bring the power of his Word to bear in the lives of people. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!
Saturday, May 30 “Curisille”
Acts 28:16-20; Jn. 20-25 “If I want him to remain until I come, does that concern you–follow me!”
I am sick this morning, fever, sore throat, no sleep. During a discussion on marriage I realized I was sick to my stomach. I will never be married, have no desire to be married. I am married to my vocation, to Jesus. But I believe that marraige is for all people not for just straight people and I see so much suffering among gay, lesbian people, and to hear this straight marriage shit, makes me literally sick to my stomach. I give in, and go to my room, simply sick, tired.. One of the priests asked me why I did not choose to be Roman or Episcopal and “fit in”, and I bascially threw up. The truth is I could have, and fit in quiet well, but the reality is I am “different”, I walk to a different tune, I do not play by the rules. I “follow” Jesus on a different path. I hear his call to “follow me” and I do follow, but a different path. Being “different” is painful. I realized it was a mistake for me to come to this retreat. I came because ken asked me to, and I love him dearly, but my relationship with him is outside the box. I am friends with Peter, with Rose, and with him, but i I can not fit into their world, and to try is suicidal for me. I do walk a different path, and it is the path to which I am called. As Jesus told Peter: “If I want to remain until I come, does that concern you? Follow me.” And so I follow. I am a new wine skin. I know that. What I preach, teach, try to live out are new wineskins. Deo Gratis! Thanks be to God!