Being an Outsider

Being an Outsider

Today I met with my doctor and she told me that she went to a citizens meeting, where the main topic was me. Her conclusion was they were transferring their visible anger towards homelessness on the one person who is visible and sides with homeless youth-me. She reflected now how she understood more fully the stress that I was under, and the threats that come regularly. She said “Your faith is strong, you are strong, and you will probably get through this, but I worry about your loneliness, your isolation, and being an outsider, you are insightful into all of this, and you know the risks, so all I can offer is my support.”

She is right, I do feel like an outsider, very much so. I feel very much alone,  I fight my doubts, and there are nights I do not sleep.l  One person who had promised to pay for a trip for me backed out, and now does not talk to me, others have simply walked away. The City is struggling with homelessness, and unless you have an answer,or support the traditional programs–you are out. I am crying a lot simply because it has built up over the last year, and now I am letting it out.

Last night late I sat with a 19 year old who left a small town to live in

“gay friendly” San Francisco, and instead he has found homelessness, sex for housing and for money, little support from social services, and he was crying and afraid. He feels very much alone, and scared. I had talked to his parents and they do not want anything to do with a “gay son”.  I listened, I fed him, got him a hotel room. That is all I can do, and it depresses me, because this kid from a well to do family will be so violated on the streets he will not be the same. And the City, all of us, stand by and twirl our fingers.

I know I have few people who are real friends-only two I trust, and I doubt them– and to say I am not afraid would be a lie–but what I believe is that until each of us walk with people where they are there will be no changes.

As for me I will stay the course, I will finish the course, and I will face God with the knowledge I have done my best, and when you point your finger, remember four are pointing back at you. Stop judging–get busy–feed someone. Deo Gratias! Thanks be to God!

Fr. River Damien Sims, D.Min.

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