Feast Of the Holy Innocents

December 28 Feast of Holy Innocents Matt. 2:13-23

“The mystery of the innocents is that they are the victims. They serve as a kind of guard of honor to the divine Child–and the militant dialogue between God and anti-god in which they are caught up earns them heaven. Alfred Delp

A friend of mine asked me yesterday when I stopped fearing the pain and darkness., That has been and is an on going process. It began when I was removed from my church for being gay, from the security of income, housing, and friends, with out resources. By being thrown into sex work to support myself I grappled with that fear daily, and I gained confidence that I could make it, and continued to move forward.

Fear came in those first years in San Francisco as I faced rejection and judgment by agencies and by those I sought out to work with. I am different in my approach, and in the way I work, and I make no bones about it. I was fearful in the face of threats, and attempts on my life; and than getting malaria and the treatment that continues has brought much fear. In a book I have read about Joseph Smith he has the Angel of Death fluttering around him and his life. He is fearful, afraid, but he maintains his faith in God. And so for me the “Angel of Death” hovers over me at times, and I feel the coldness and the fear that comes with that hovering. . Ultimately I simply became tired, plain tired of being afraid and doubting God and threw myself completely into his arms, and said “Fuck you” to that “Angel of Death”, and to those fears. I have moved out to live my life in the resurrection. Sam Purtaro says, that for us “to enter Advent we have to leave fear behind.”

For me that is the secret of living a whole and fulfilling life–not money, friends, a nice place to live, security and prestige–but to “leave fear behind” and walk with God. It is an ongoing battle, but oh how sweet the victories. Deo Gratias! Thanks be to God!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: